Of Fear and Fetters

Old, familiar demons creep close, pointing bloody fingers and whispering accusations of shame & doubt.

God, how I long to leave this behind! But to do so, I must walk through a wall of fire that looms up just as fearfully.

Will I trust You? Will I believe enough in Your love and wisdom to take Your hand and let You lead me through the flames?

Or will I cower in fear on this side of the Jordan, within sight of the Promised Land, but never able to set my foot there?

Oh God, far be it from me to stay! Yet how will I ever find the courage to leave?

Help me, Father! My spirit is willing - longing! - but my cowardly flesh pulls back.

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched one I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" ~Romans 7:21-25

Never more than now have I been so aware of this war! Never more desirous - or reluctant - to see the final victory.

There is something dark & powerful waging war over my soul, Lord. It's had me in its clutches so long I fear to rouse & anger it further, anxious to avoid greater torment. Yet I am uncomfortably aware that the demon has already been stirred - never silent, that one, its wrath is relentless.

Do I trust You to protect me?

I know I cannot emerge from this unscathed - it's already too late for that. Yet I still pull back in this vain attempt to protect myself. I am the wounded animal caught in a trap that bites and scratches at the hand of its Rescuer. I am, by my own stubborness and failure to trust, making my deliverance harder. But I don't know how to relax and let You lead. I am so tightly wound, so firmly wrapped in my own sin & folly, yet I cling pitifully to these dirty rags.

Forgive me, Lord! Open my eyes that I would truly see the tenderness of Your conviction.