Here Again ... For the First Time

I won’t look any different when you see me tomorrow. But I’ll feel different. And, by God’s grace, I’ll be different – just a little bit, at least.

Why the difference? Well …

I just got out of an intense meeting with a group of ladies who love me – love me enough to tell me the truth. I’ve been slacking, I’ve been struggling, and they saw it. And they sat me down, and they helped me to see it. Everything they said rang true – I have been weak in these areas. I have let things slide. And though I was aware of these things in a general kind of way, I didn’t stop to consider how I was letting down individuals, or my community. I sort of hoped a vague “I’m not really good at this” or “after all, nobody’s perfect” would cover it.

But it didn’t last year, when a team of three girls challenged me to step it up. And it doesn’t this year, when a team of six had the courage to confront.

The issues in both conversations were very similar. And they all have their roots in my greatest areas of weakness, the sins & strongholds I struggle with the most. No surprises there, right? Especially not for those of you who have known me – or my writing – for very long. It won’t surprise you, for example, that I’ve been pulling back inside myself and keeping others at a distance. Or that I’ve been focusing more on tasks than on people.

So really, a whole year later, I’m still making the same mistakes?

Yup.

And yet, they’re not quite the same. I heard this great illustration once that has been such an encouragement to me. Sometimes it seems like we’re just going in circles, covering the same ground, banging our heads against the same walls, fighting the same battles, over and over and never getting anywhere. But if our hearts are pliable to God’s handiwork, it’s more like we’re traveling upward on a spiral staircase. Sure, as we go around, we’re seeing some of the same scenery, but we see it from a different perspective. Each time we circle around back to it, we’ve climbed higher; we have a better handle on how the small piece fits into the whole.

The right perspective is vital.

I could choose to feel pretty miserable right now. After all, I had a lot of hard stuff piled on me tonight. And considering where I was last year at this time, it could really seem like I’ve made pretty much no progress at all.

But consider this view ...

I can be thankful that my team had the courage to bring these issues directly to my attention, rather than silently nursing their frustrations. I can be glad that they had such good, practical suggestions for how I can improve. I can celebrate that they truly want me to be a more vital part of their community. I can recognize this as God's grace, bringing further dross to the top so He can skim it off, refining my life into a purer reflection of Himself. I can realize that, even though it seems like the same failings repeating themselves, it’s really not. I am different. Even in the way God has enabled me to receive this correction – believe me, it’s so much better than the last time I was here!

I’ll admit, considering changes like the kind I need to make – even if only the ones my team brought up tonight – is pretty overwhelming. But I have such a great support system, in all different spheres of my life. And I have a God who’s so infinitely patient with me, so lovingly willing to open my eyes to more – more of who I truly am, and more of who I can become. More of who He has made me to be.

Even though I would love to go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow to find myself completely transformed, I know it doesn’t happen that way. It’s going to take countless small, determined, consistent steps before any significant change can be noted. But the change is happening; these steps are taking me somewhere. Because I am definitely not the same person now that I was when I woke up this morning. I may look the same. But I am seeing things a whole lot differently!